about me

1.1 - current time

as of september 2026 i live in Romania. i am happy to have my own room with a door. i have 3 fantastic friends.

1.2 - my brief history

my mother met online my father probably in the second half of 2007. he bought her a plane ticker from belarus to bucharest and on the second date they married. so i was born in Bucharest on june 13 2008.

childhood was wonderful, i do not have any bad memories. we lived in a 2 story house outside the city, it had a fantastic yard. i used to do ballet for many years, though i hated it. my father passed away when i was 6, which caused retrograde dissociative amnesia, so i cannot say anything more about my childhood -- i simply dont remember any of it.

i lived in Romania until 7th grade. Then mother wanted to get a mortgage in her hometown in Belarus, so we moved there (2021). its a small town -- ~80 k people, located in the north, close to the latvian border.

in 2025 i graduated school and the same summer applied to a university in Minsk, for the speciality "nuclear physics". I was not accepted.

in autumn of the same year i moved to Minsk and began there a preparatory course that prepares those who finished school to take the state exam. yet due to some issues with the state system i had to flee the country in March 2026. so i am back in romania.

1.3 - favourites

food: jelly, peas, apple sauce, schnitzel

colour: #41fc03 (#####)

drink: cherry juice, mountain dew

musical band: radiohead

song: 1. spectre - radiohead; 2. all i need - radiohead; 3. how to disappear into strings - radiohead; 4. dawn chorus - thom yorke; 5. all is full of love - bjork; 6. bloodhail - have a nice life; 7. skttrbrain (four tet remix) - radiohead; 8. ny batteri - sigur ros; 9. come - adrianne lenker; 10. rehab - lizzy grant.

video game: 1. silent hill 3; 2. death stranding director's cut; 3. silent hill 2; 4. resident evil 4 2005; 5. cry of fear.

school subject: physics

smell: fresh book

film: oppenheimer 2023, suspiria 2018, there will be blood 2007, the virgin suicides 1999, girl interrupted 1999

number: 13

object: aircraft, mathematical formulas and functions, motherboards

place on earth: carpathian mountains, greek beaches

tv show: hannibal, mr. robot, breaking bad

book: the perks of being a wallflower, white nights

organism: spotted seal, rhesus macaque, funky jellyfishes and mushrooms

holiday: none

singer: 1. thom yorke; 2. jeff buckley; 3. lana del rey

sport: none

1.4 - fears

i believe fears tell so much about people. here is my top:

1. death of my pets and relatives. that is why i will never get a pet again.

2. people. i never say hello to non relatives and non friends. i never say a word to cashiers if i even get to appear in a shop (i avoid such places). i am not interested in making new friends. all this does not bother me and i do not wish to "fix" that. i still feel kind of awkward and performative (not being me) when i speak to even my close friends.

3. showers and rain. my skin is hyper sensitive, which makes falling droplets of water literally painful. yet not that painful that i cannot bear. i still shower weekly or before events, because making a bath takes too much time and energy. i try to do it as quick as possible. i do not stink.

4. crowded places, such as supermarkets, festivals, school cafeteria. they make me lightheaded and want to throw up.

5. bright lights, loud noises. self explanatory. though i occasionally visit concerts or clubs, just because i REALLY need to be there and see the artist / friend / good music. it is extremely hard to bear but managable,

6. high calorie food. self explanatory.

7. mice. whenever i see one i begin to hysterically cry.

1.5 - hobbies

i am really not special. i enjoy the most drawing, coding and linux. i also love to learn new topics in calculus and write music. occasionally read books (fun fact: im 2021-2022 i had a hyperfixation on russian classical literature, then it changed to chinese danmei novels).

i collect figurines of animals since childhood from the german brand Schleich. it began when father brought me figurines often after work.

i absolutely adore airplanes and ikea and their food.

1.6 - health

physical health:

for the past 3 years (as of september 2026) i had motor tics that were simple for the first 2 years, then became complex. i cannot supress them, but can predict; they worsen with stress. when they are light they involve my right eyelid, mouth corner and neck (still all the right side). when the tic is bad my right arm and thigh (or foot) can twitch, occasionally the abdominal muscles. during a EEG i discovered they also worsen with photo stimulation, that's why at first i thought the tics are myoclonic seizures. there were such intense moments as when it was dangerous to walk on stairs, since my leg can twitch and i will fall.

i suffer from thoracic outlet syndrome. when i raise my arms they instantly go numb and really weak, because of some anatomical abnormality.

another anatomical abnormality i have is an extra chord in my heart. its completely harmless. just funny.

i do have psoriasis. its in the middle on the severity scale. it looks outrageous and appears episodically - during the cold seasons.

mental health:

the psychiatry journey began in autumn 2021. i asked a psychiatrist in a state polyclinic for help, but she called the police + local mental hospital. the police came to my house and did an interrogation on why i self harmed, then took away my phone for examining (in case if someone online tried to push me into doing this, i suppose). my mom somehow managed to make a deal, so i didn't go to the asylum. instead i went to a private psychotherapist, that diagnosed me with depression and anxiety, and told me to take some poison of a pill. it caused some insane side effect -- heart pain. one night it was so terribly painful i passed out. so i just stopped drinking the pill abruptly, i didnt even have any withdrawal effects. in response to this the psychotherapist simply decided my therapy is over (after 4 months) and i do not have to take any pills.

in 2023 i went for 6 months to group therapy, which turned out to be a literal cult of religious fanatics.

january 2026. while being in a hospital with psychogenic non-epileptic seizures, they diagnosed me with depersonalization/derealization disorder and transerred me to the psychiatry unit. i stayed there for a week, because my mother miracolously got me out of this situation again by being diplomatic with the doctors. during that week they changed my diagnosis to psychosis. i believe it was wrong.

for around a month i was in liberty, but i had to show up in the local mental institution each month for a check up and medication prescriptions. so i went to the first check up and told the doc i really want a real diagnosis and another medication, since the one i was taking did not fit me. result: another hospital stay, because she diagnosed me with schizophrenia and thought i am in active psychosis and will harm myself (wrong again).

i stayed there for 23 days. i literally fought for my life every day. i fought and cried. and fought and lost any hope and sanity. i met an amazing girl, with which i still keep in touch. but i still have deep trauma from that experience. deep deep. they did not change my diagnosis. and so i went into the normal word as a schizophrenic.

in belarus with schizophrenia you are legally not allowed to apply for higher education. you cant really be employed as well. this meant only one thing -- i move back to Romania.

in romania i finally saw adequate doctors, though at first they put me into the third mental hospital of the year (5 days). they refuted that terrible diagnosis as any other normal person would do. in june 2026 i was diagnosed again, this time BPD. wrong. again. and again. only in july i finally got tested for autism and the result was positive. soon i will finally get the correct treatment.

i was thinking a lot... why did i have to go through all that? was it really necessary? it wasnt. why do poeple with mental illness are treated so inhuman? as if they do not have the right to live. it angers me. so much.

1.7 - fun facts

1. i created my own linux from scratch as a school project;

2. do assembly and calculus for fun;

3. i am not religious, can describe myself as an atheist and nihilist;

4. my favourite airplane is boeing 747 shuttle carrier and least liked one is airbus 380;

5. for some reason i hiccup for a whole day once every 2 months;

6. i can read extremely fast.

1.8 - my systems

emotions:

i differ only 3 states of mind -- uncomfortable, neutral, comfortable. yet immensely rarely i can distinct extremums such as unbearable discomfort or divine comfort. when i wake up the probability i will have a neutral mood that day is 77%. my mood is stable throughout the day.

food:

if on the plate there are several types of food, i categorize each food as "main" or "additional". if i eat half of the main food, then i must eat half of the additional smaller food. there is also a rule for when eating a happy meal: first i eat the fries, drink half of the drink, only then eat the burger. if there is no additional food, i eat the main dish from left to right.

i have favourite cutlery: they must have no decoration on the handle and have a pleasurable smooth shape.

an example of a "bad" spoon.

this is good cutlery from ikea

wardrobe:

i sort my clothes on the hangers from white to black in a rainbow order. it goes -- white, pastel blues, pastel reds, pink, red, green, cyan, blue, brown, gray, black.

sleep pattern:

my most comfortable sleep schedule is: 7 am - 4-6 pm. i love meeting the sunrise, love the empty streets at night and early morning, empty shops right before they close. love how dark and cold it is outside. just the silence of the world.

repetition is my religion:

i listen to the same songs over and over for years. same artists and albums. i draw only one single person (thom yorke) for 1,5 years at 93% of the times when i draw. i try to eat the same meals every day, i get upset when i dont. i walk the same routes and play the same games.

1.9 - school

i have had many many difficulties. i never really was able to adapt to society and fit in and be a part of friend groups. i despised school.

due to those difficulties i began noticing a pattern and developed a theory that neurotypical people subconciously sense that you are different, so they begin seeing you as a threat. i believe this is the reason i was hated by all my teachers and classmates. across all 11 years of school i made 2 friends.

1.10 - the future

i cannot really imagine the future neither my future career. i just wish nothing will change.